So things are better, I think...

I don't know, he seems so unsure. I've been talking/hanging out with my friends more, including the guy I used to like. A part of me wants to move on if he's not confident about this.

This may sound cheesy, but I feel like I finally understand what it means when people say "If you really love something, you set it free". A big bag of barf, but I get it.

Can't get anything past him

Dad came home and asked me if I could take his blood pressure.

Him:"Why does your face look so melancholic*? Ow, the cuff's too tight"

*=I'm pretty sure he meant melancholic, because he used some rare Chinese word to describe my presumably sad expression. I thought I was emoting nonchalantly, he saw otherwise.

i should just focus on getting into prof school.

parents are completely against him dating
told me so in april, so its been engrained since ...forever
said he wanted to ask me out but he cant do that to his family
i essentially asked him to stop talking to me, he said he couldnt
we psedodated and much more
he thinks his parents have been reading his convos (thru icloud or something)
he freaked out, i freaked out
i dont feel like we did anything wrong, except me bf-gf-like, occasional pouts and all.
he said his parents had been very paranoid and on his case

i dont want his parents to be suspicious of him
i dont want him to resent his parents
i dont blame his parents
i sort of blame him
i also blame myself
i dont want to do this anymore
my dad was right
why he is always right
why didnt i listen to my friends
im so stupid.
what can i do now

just suck it up and ask him to be friends?
just shut up and let him deal with it?
pretend that i dont want it anymore?
tell him that my dad doesnt want me to be with him?
just stop talking to him?

i dont want to hurt him.
i also dont want to hurt.
im already hurting.
so bad.

long distance talk


Not fun. This stopped being fun. I was in such a good place these last few day and then feelings got in the way.

I dont know if I'm sad because of the future question or because the future answer. I don't care to address either.  Everyone hopes to find someone out there for them, but once you find it, so many factors that come in. I'm just so over it. I rather take a midterm then deal with this anymore.

I need to go a run tonight.

nostalgic  - listening to old chinese songs. By old, I mean early 2000's. Circa Tank and David Tao.


Ivana is thinking about going to Western instead of Kansas. I feel all warm and fuzzy that she has this choice. It's a burden and a blessing for her cause she was all ready for Kansas. But seems that she is willing to give up her hedgehog to go with Western. I would be so lucky to be in her place months from now. Not with vet school, of course.


brother came home from work and is miffed that i tried to clean his stuff. I just want to dump most of it away. I love him but he needs to be able to let go. He doesn't need his old chem homework or his untouched Maxims. He doesn't need 6 outdated pentium iv towers. I want to suggest using a camera to take pics of all the old newspaper articles he wants to keep. I want to recycle everything so badly.


im scared about something. Ivana asked me if I'm afraid of commitment last week. About him? maybe. About grad school? definitely. The "c" word hadnt cross my mind before then but I definitely was worried about long-term decisions.  maybe he doesnt want to commit to me and this is just whatever to him. maybe im a shoe-in for some of the schools i really want to get into. i don't know what i want. 


i should reply to his messages but im in a weird mood.